these are jokes
day & age

"You have a terrible eye for photography." -the meanest millennial insult


If I ever write a series of poems about being a sensitive girl in my twenties, I’m calling it “Tears on My iPhone”


being young, amirite?

express yourself

I weep for you, children in 20 years who have to hear how their parents met by twerking into one another at an outdoor major lazer concert

better late than never

did you know that if you play jodie foster’s golden globe speech backwards you can just barely make out the lyrics to ‘switch’ by will smith?

i pulled a soft pretzel out of my most expensive handbag today and ate it on the street. this is what it means to truly be a woman

do you ever think this is werner herzog’s world and we’re all just merely fake trees in the background of a long take of a forest?

i do

for your consideration

just think

somewhere, in a marble bathroom, in the dead, poetic silence of night, ryan seacrest is taking black and white self portraits of his penis

sometimes when I’m on the subway i like to play a game i call “mid-twenties lesbian or 14 year old male skateboarder”

there’s not really a ‘winner’

i’m not saying i HAVE fucked in the container store, i’m just saying, you know, i probably WOULD
The stress of the election hits everyone differently.
i quote the saying on the box: “stands on her own. literally!”

The stress of the election hits everyone differently.

i quote the saying on the box: “stands on her own. literally!”

if i feel like a good vomit i read other people’s twitter bios or look at my 17 year old headshot
I don’t have any funny jokes right now so here’s a picture of chewbacca holding leia’s boob

I don’t have any funny jokes right now so here’s a picture of chewbacca holding leia’s boob

kim kardashian and kanye west are having a baby

in related news, my ovaries just imploded

The only take away from reading my old diaries while at home is that I’ve passionately loved a lot of closeted gay men over the years
happy new year

I like to celebrate by spending the first week of every new year standing outside various gyms and sampling different kinds of bbq chips while maintaining steady eye contact

the best part about the new year as a holiday is that like every other one you still get drunk and cry in your bathroom, at least when you wake up from being passed out it’s like hey, there’s a bunch of sales

the worst part about the new year is for like three to four weeks no one has any cigarettes/good food/desire to sit inside and watch the kardashians for 6 hours with you. it’s like lent but when you cheat it’s lost that fun ‘hiding it from God’ quality

instead of an ugly sweater party this christmas, i’m having an ugly face party.

bring a real minger! 

instead of an ugly sweater party this christmas, i’m having an ugly face party.

bring a real minger! 

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